Disciplining your children is always a difficult task. I was spanked as a child, but I don’t believe in spanking. I understand that some parents use it as a discipline of last resort, and it may work for some. However, I remember the humiliation I felt as a child each time I was spanked and I’m choosing to try other methods for my daughters. There are two books that I have read recently on the subject that I highly recommend. The first is “The Discipline Book” by Dr. William Sears and the other is “The Natural Child – Parenting from the Heart” by Jan Hunt. Both of these authors support attachment parenting and approach discipline from the standpoint of teaching your children to respect you as a parent by showing respect for them as children. Jan Hunt offers the following list of 10 alternatives to physical punishment, as she feels that “slapping, hitting and spanking teach violence, destroy a child’s self-esteem, create anger, interfere with learning, and damage the relationship between parent and child.”
Ten Alternatives to Punishment by Jan Hunt in her book, “The Natural Child”
- Prevent unwanted behavior from occurring by meeting your child’s needs when they are first expressed.
- Provide a safe, child-friendly environment. Put away the breakables and precious items until your child is older.
- Apply the Golden Rule. Treat your child the way you would expect to be treated in a similar circumstance.
- Show empathy for your child’s feelings. Say something like “You really look unhappy” to show you care about her needs and feelings.
- Validate your child’s feelings. Let him know you understand and care.
- Meet the underlying need that led to the behavior in the first place.
- Stay on your child’s side. Try to find a win-win solution that meets everybody’s needs.
- Reassure your child that she is loved and appreciated.
- Provide positive alternative experiences and productive activities. Shift the focus away from a situation that has become too stressful to resolve at the moment.
- Ask yourself “Will I look back at this later and laugh?” Use humor to diffuse the situation.
Dr. Sears believes that discipline is an integral part of your whole relationship with your child and therefore must be incorporated as a philosophy and not a single act. He offers situational remedies that center around an overall philosophy of connected parenting.
“Discipline’s Top Ten” as offered by Dr. William Sears in his book, “The Discipline Book”
- Get Connected Early - Getting connected and staying connected with your child is the foundation of discipline and the heart of the attachment approach.
- Know Your Child – Your discipline techniques will be different at each stage because your child’s needs change.
- Help Your Child to Respect Authority - don’t let your children fear you but rather respect & obey you by being both warm and wise.
- Set Limits, Provide Structure - children need boundaries…environmental control is a parents’ job
- Expect Obedience - Your child will be as obedient as you expect or as defiant as you allow.
- Model Discipline – You are the example your child imitates.
- Nurture Your Child’s Self-Confidence - A child who feels right acts right.
- Shape Your Child’s Behavior – Instill in your child a sense of what is “acceptable behavior” and to help her have positive feelings about it.
- Raise Kids Who Care -Teach children responsible behavior towards others and towards things as well as how to take responsibility for themselves.
- Talk and Listen – Communicate with your children.
As always, I encourage you to share any of your thoughts or recommendations!
Thank you for Reading!
Tela
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